29th Sep '11
Uncle Skello's 'What's Hot and What's Not'
WHAT'S HOT
1) Chaps - The kind of man, who when the weather has closed in on the north face of the Eiger, the tents collapsed and the end is nigh, looks you straight in the eye and sings a resounding verse of Jerusalem whilst tenderly caressing your frozen plums...
2) James Haskell - Allegedly the love child of Fatima Whitbread and Lawrence Dallagio "The Hask" has been dominating the back of the scrum for England.
3) Camping - Not packet food, ill fitting water-proof trousers, or smelly karrimor rucksacks I mean tight sailor suits, mirrored shades and a double album of Spandau Ballet's Greatest hits.
4) Italy - A country with a beautiful climate, great cuisine and incredible coffee....who cares that their government can't do basic maths.
WHATS NOT
1) Being over 6ft tall - It's harder to touch your toes, a definite disadvantage when playing Sticky Glue (see last week), and you're much less likely to become a professional surfer: in fact Owen Wright is the only surfer in the top 20 on the WCT over 6ft (He's 6'3'')...and i have been reliably informed that he always gets picked last when the pro's are partaking in playground games during ASP contest downtime.
2) Cats - To have one of any pet is a tie, but to be responsible for numerous pussies is both expensive and time consuming....I'm not sure I'm into pussies, so I've got a dog.
3) Greece - Next time you're on a package holiday in Corfu do NOT tip the waiter, as for the next ten years or so you're going to be paying for his nightly moussaka through your income tax.
4) Wearing Plimsoles - Plimsoles, pumps and trainers should only be worn whilst taking sport. And by sport we mean cricket...
WHAT'S HOT
1) Chaps - The kind of man, who when the weather has closed in on the north face of the Eiger, the tents collapsed and the end is nigh, looks you straight in the eye and sings a resounding verse of Jerusalem whilst tenderly caressing your frozen plums...
2) James Haskell - Allegedly the love child of Fatima Whitbread and Lawrence Dallagio "The Hask" has been dominating the back of the scrum for England.
3) Camping - Not packet food, ill fitting water-proof trousers, or smelly karrimor rucksacks I mean tight sailor suits, mirrored shades and a double album of Spandau Ballet's Greatest hits.
4) Italy - A country with a beautiful climate, great cuisine and incredible coffee....who cares that their government can't do basic maths.
WHATS NOT
1) Being over 6ft tall - It's harder to touch your toes, a definite disadvantage when playing Sticky Glue (see last week), and you're much less likely to become a professional surfer: in fact Owen Wright is the only surfer in the top 20 on the WCT over 6ft (He's 6'3'')...and i have been reliably informed that he always gets picked last when the pro's are partaking in playground games during ASP contest downtime.
2) Cats - To have one of any pet is a tie, but to be responsible for numerous pussies is both expensive and time consuming....I'm not sure I'm into pussies, so I've got a dog.
3) Greece - Next time you're on a package holiday in Corfu do NOT tip the waiter, as for the next ten years or so you're going to be paying for his nightly moussaka through your income tax.
4) Wearing Plimsoles - Plimsoles, pumps and trainers should only be worn whilst taking sport. And by sport we mean cricket...
Anon
2nd Oct '11
Dear uncle Skello,
I must congratulate you on your insightful musings on current affairs, indepth understanding of playgound games crucial tips for the modern man.
Have you ever thought of running "Uncle Skello's problem page"?
I think that you would be providing a valuable service for the wider community (and care in the community) if you did. You seem to have a wonderful grasp of short-arse affiction (given your depth of understanding I do wonder perhaps if this is through personal experience of the suffering of someone close to you?). You could also offer fashion tips for the fashion challenged.... wooly hat of the day/ welly of the week etc (it is after all far too easy for some to end up with the vagrant look instead of casual man about village/beach/surfshop).
Given your recent modelling crudentials I would say you were just the man for the job.
You could also give advice on surfing problems....having witnessed your caring approach to issues such as the inticacies of wax removal and popularity of alternative surfboard construction methods, I can think of no-one better.
Yours sincerely,
Anon.
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